Why is money so important in our lives? I tend to ask myself this a lot lately. I believe this question is asked more when you are going through rough times and short on funds. Honestly though, why is money so important in our lives? If you do not have money people will treat you different. Of course people will tell you this is not true, but I learned after my accident that people will treat you very differently! This is also true with your own family. How is that so, your probably thinking? I wouldn’t do that to a family member of mine that was injured in an accident?

I learned first hand, that when you have no money, people you thought was your friends will eventually disappear. Your family, will start out helping you but it wont take very long then they will feel like you are a burden to them. You will not notice all these people treating you differently immediately. The people you thought were your friends will just slowly start not coming over or calling. You will call them as you have done for 15 years but now it seems like they are avoiding your calls and company. I really don’t understand why the friends disappeared though? I never borrowed any money from them, or ask them to buy me anything. Maybe I said something to them, in a weird way or something. Oh I bet the depression had my mind clouded a little bit and I didn’t realize what I might have said. Better yet I bet the bipolar disorder kicked in and you all of a sudden just cursed them out for no reason at all.



Posted: May 10, 2013 in Law of Attraction





So what is karma? Look up the definition and it says “in Indian religions is the concept of action or deed, understood as that which causes the entire cycle of cause and effect i originating in ancient India and treated in the Hindu, Jain, Buddhist, Sikh religions.

Not sure about you, but I didn’t understand any of that!! So what is the definition of karma? My understanding of karma relates to cause and effect for sure. I believe we can experience both good and bad karma, and ultimately we choose which karma we will have in the cycle of cause and effect.

I could give you many examples of good and bad karma. The first example I will use-Let’s say you called into work knowing you weren’t sick, yet you tell your boss you can’t come into work because you are sick. From my expertise, I have found this is not wise because you more than likely will enjoy the day off yet you will get severely sick for the lies you told. Another fine example would be whenever you do something very nice to help someone out, good things come back to you. An example I can recall- once I was taking my brother to work. He gives me 20 dollars for gas for taking him to work and picking him up in the mornings to bring him home. I put 10 dollars in gas used 5 dollars to buy a lottery ticket then 5 dollars to buy a pizza for the kids. I stopped at GameStop just to window shop on the way home. I parked the truck, got out and this guy stops me asking for food. I offered him my honey bun that I hadn’t opened yet and he says naw, I need some real food. He continues to walk off, and I dig deep into my empty pockets to find I had 10 dollars to my name. I scratched my head considering giving it to him then I call the guy back over to me. He really looked hungry like he could use the food, so I gave him my last 10 dollars. I felt good, like I had just really helped someone out, then continued on to my window shopping journey. I finish, then return to the truck to scratch off the lottery ticket I had bought at the store while taking my brother to work. It says, winner 10 dollars. So I stop at another store on the way home and got another ticket, this time getting a 10 dollar ticket. I go to the truck to scratch this one-off and it says, winner 20 dollars. So my luck was going so good, I thought, hmm.. I’ve never in my life bought a 20 dollar lottery ticket, what have I got to lose? So I go back into the store and get a 20 dollar lottery ticket, go to the truck scratch it off and it says, winner 500 dollars!!! Now that was awesome, I felt like it was for doing something good for someone else!!

I firmly believe that we as humans should help others out whenever we can, regardless of what we think of the person we are helping, or how they may use the money. I could have accused the guy I gave the ten dollars to, of using it to buy beer or drugs, but who am I to judge ANYONE?? I am not his creator, nor his parent, etc… so again why judge someone? When I gave him the money he looked very surprised, like he had just won the lottery, he asked for food, not a dime, and it was my decision to give him my last 10 dollars.

I told this story to my brother and he says, why in the world would you have given him your last 10 dollars. Of course he didn’t let me finish my story. Once I finished he said wow. I really believe Karma, goes around and comes back to you. Meaning our actions effect our outcomes. So if we treat people bad, bad things will come back to us. If we treat people good, good things will happen. Now that doesn’t mean every time we help someone we will get rewarded because that’s not the case at all. However I do believe, good deeds are eventually rewarded in the long run.

Please take a moment to give me feed back on this post. You can leave comments or choose yes or no questions.


Hunting can start out being a hobby then can become very addictive. I learned this very lesson, when my parents purchased their house on 11 acres of land. I was never interested in hunting, hadn’t been on a trip since I was a little kid when I went hunting with my father. Back then my father manned the gun and my brother and I just spotted the squirrels for him. Not much fun watching someone else doing all the shooting!! So one day my brother and I confronted my dad with our feelings and explained to him how it was not fun at all not being able to shoot the gun. An 9-year-old shooting a 12 gauge shotgun was a funny sight I’m sure. All I can remember was the gun going bang, and me going backwards for a flip.

After my parents purchased their house we ended up getting a 4 wheeler. It was awesome to ride the 4 wheeler through the woods and create new trails. When making a trail, the first pass would be rough but once you got the trail cleared it would be a lot of fun to fly through it as fast as you could. One day I’m riding my daughter on the 4 wheeler and we rode past the creek that ran through the woods. I look up and I see this HUGE buck staring at us from across the creek. Instantly my mouth dropped, and it was at that very moment I became very interested in hunting!

After this close encounter which was in spring, I headed to the local Walmart to druel over their guns, and get some information about hunting. I learned the regulations for deer hunting, saved my money and eventually purchased a shotgun. Not sure why I decided to start out with a shotgun but that’s what I bought to begin with. **BIG MISTAKE** While at the Walmart I also purchased some buck shot loads, some slug loads, camo, a buck call and other hunting supplies I thought I would need. I practiced with this gun until I felt comfortable enough to test my skills out. Finally, deer season arrives, and occasionally I would jolly down to the woods where I seen this monster buck and would bed down beside a tree, waiting for him to give me that look he gave me before.

Deer apparently are extremely smart, and can smell you miles away. I say this because I sat in those woods nearly the entire season before I finally seen another deer. When I finally seen the deer, I couldn’t believe he was actually standing so close in front of me. My body had a HUGE burst of adrenalin, I become very nervous, shaking all over. The hair on my arms stood straight up in the air! It’s a feeling I’ve never in my life experienced, and the description I have given simply isn’t any where near the feelings, or emotions I experienced while staring this deer down. I slowly, and quietly raised my beloved shotgun to prepare to aim at this deer. I knew I only had one shot at this deer because I was using the slug shot. I focused, aimed, fired and the deer took off running for his life. Now this wasn’t Bambi’s father but it was my second encounter with a deer, this time being a little spike and it was doe day so I was ready to put him in my freezer. Needless to say, after much time wasted looking for blood I finally realized that I missed and he was long gone!

After this very disappointing scenario unfolded I promised myself this would never happen again. I saved my money again and once I reached enough funds I headed back down to the local Walley World and purchased a Marlin 30/30, and a round of bullets. Of course we are now into the 2nd season of my deer hunting career by now and I’m blood thirsty for a deer. I’ve already experienced the shakes, the feeling of excitement when a deer is in your view, now its time to get me a deer. I practiced with this gun until I was well on target, ready to put one under my belt. Right before the 2nd season started I ordered me a really nice deer stand. It was a ladder stand, the kind you could set up and leave outside in the woods and that’s exactly what I did.

By now my father was interested in hunting, and he also ordered him a deer stand as well. Before the 2nd season got underway my father and I cleared trails to our deer stands and had done plenty of target practicing. I believe I mastered the sound of a deer in distress/ or a big buck because by the end of this season I had called 3 deer to my father’s stand. He said as soon as I made the calls, each one of the deer came running to the sound. I was very frustrated by now because he had gotten 3 deer! One was a ten pointer, very nice but had a small rack. The other two were a 7 pointer, and a 5 pointer. During this season I was addicted, there wasn’t any doubt. I was about to drive myself crazy. Several times my dad wouldn’t go because you could tell he was getting burnt out from hunting. Every time he wouldn’t go he would tell me I could use his stand. I’m not going to lie, there was several times I climbed in his stand but I still nothing.

I had read in a magazine that some hunters put doe urine along their trails, to attract deer to their stand. One day while I was at Walmart, I went to the hunting section and started looking for doe urine. I found the bottles but beside them, there also was a package that said “doe urine bombs”. It looked like, in order to use the doe urine bombs, you would sprinkle some of the urine onto the cloth that was attached to the lid, then you would hang the bottle, and lid from a tree. Once you were finished you could just close the lid on the bottle keeping the urine on the cloth, in a closed bottle. I looked at the pack and debated which one would be better, the doe bombs or putting the bottle of urine down my trails in front of my stand. In my eyes, I figured either was just as good, but the doe bombs costed about 20 dollars but were reusable. So instead of buying those, I just got 2 bottles of the doe urine and planned to do what I had read which was to sprinkle the urine down the trails near my stand. I wanted to get the doe bombs but I had already invested plenty of money in hunting and hadn’t got the first deer.

Without knowing it, I belive I was becoming obsessed to get me a deer. I would leave the house around 4 am so I could be in the woods by at least 5:30 am at the latest. Once it became noon and very warm, I would go to my parents house and take a nap, then I would go back out around 4 pm and stay til dark. I had done this many times. One day I followed my same routine and was extremely tired. My mother woke me up around 5pm because I had over slept and she said “You better get out there, or your father is going to get another deer before you.” That’s all it took, I got up, put my gear on and got back into my stand. I was so tired and really didn’t feel like being in the stand. Honestly, I had fallen asleep several times. Thank God, I didn’t lean forward and fall out of the stand. I was tied around the tree but if I had fallen forward I think it would have been ugly!! I used my buck call several times making it sound like two big bucks were calling each other. Then I would turn the button several times and make it sound like a small deer in distress. I finally, got so mad, upset, and about ready to go that I started smoking a cigarette. Normally, I would get a can of dip and about make myself sick every time I tried to dip it. I knew that the deer could for sure smell the smoke so that’s the only reason I would get the dip. Anyways I’m sitting in the stand smoking when this monster deer walks to the entrance of my trail and is following that scent of the doe urine that I had put out the day before. I put the urine out just like it said in that magazine I had read. I started sprinkling it at the very entrance of the trail that lead to my stand, and continued down the trail every couple of feet to where my stand was. I did this on each entrance, and exit to every trail that lead to my deer stand. Keep in mind that some of these trails were pretty wide because we would ride the 4 wheelers on them. You could tell this deer had picked up the scent of this doe urine because he was sniffing the urine like he was ready to attack a female deer. He kept looking up, then would go back down to the ground to follow the scent closer and closer to my stand. As soon as I seen him, I smashed the cigarette against the tree to put it out. I slowly and cautiously raised my gun when he got close enough for me to make a shot. Of course I’m doing so, while I’m trembling, nervous, and have a huge adrenalin rush! Finally, I aimed down the scope, took a deep breath and took a shot. As soon as I did he jumped up, and took off running. I thought oh dear God, please not again. I patiently waited for a few moments then I heard, a big thump sound about 1,500 feet from where I shot him. I was scared to climb down out of the tree because I didn’t know if he would charge me so I calmly waited as long as I could then I slowly walked to where I thought it was.

I started making loud noises once I started seeing the deer in case he was laying there in pain. I had my gun ready to shoot again, if he was to jump up and try to take off. Thankfully, the deer didn’t move and had taken his last breath. I was so very happy once I seen I had got me a deer. I had to get my father to help me drag it out of the woods. Once we got back to the deer it was then I realized that I had gotten a pretty good one. He now rests on the wall behind me as I type this post.

Image  —  Posted: May 6, 2013 in Law of Attraction

Stacks of Coins


Lately I have been playing the lottery when I have to take my brother to work. He lost his licence due to a D.U.I several years ago. It was probably a good thing thing the police got him off the roads honestly. The police officer wrote that my brother failed to maintain 4 lanes. Then he got another one before he got his licenses back. He gives me 20 dollars to take him to and from work. I put ten in gas, get a pack of smokes then have about four dollars to get a few lottery tickets.

In the last two months I have gotten 4 out of 6 numbers correct on the Win 4 Life lottery. One more number would have fetched 52,000 dollars, 2 more numbers would have fetched a 1,000 dollars a week for life. Certain lotteries are on certain days. Each day I take my brother to work I come home and study the late numbers and try to put together that winning combination.

I realize, the odds of being struck by lightning 3 times in a lifetime, are better than winning the Powerball or Mega Millions lottery. The odds just are not in your favor when you play the big games with huge jack pots. But you won’t never win if you Never Play, right?

My questions are pretty simple, 1) What if?”  and  2) “What would you do with 195 million dollars if you did manage to get lucky enough to pick that winning combination?”

For starters I wouldn’t realize it for a few days because I normally buy some tickets then check them days later. If I scanned my paper ticket and it said “Jack pot winner” I believe I would stand there in disbelieve for probably some time. I would keep my lips zipped because I have seen first hand how people treat you when you don’t have money. So I couldn’t imagine how people would act if they knew you had money.

Money seems to be the root to all evil. People get greedy and they like to look down on the ones who have nothing to show. Money seems to control our daily lives whether we admit it or not. You would think that since money is printed on a piece of paper we would share it evenly among everyone around us, but that’s far from the truth. When our economy goes into a slump I believe its from people being greedy, and not helping others out. Jobs get cut by companies who are trying to profit by working Americans less and using machines to do the same job for a lot less. Imagine what things would be like if we wasn’t judged by how much money we own?

If I won tonight’s jackpot of 195 million dollars I would first claim the winning ticket with a Trust. I can’t imagine the number of friends or even family members  you would have or find if you claimed it with your real name. Before I ever headed to a lottery office to claim my ticket I would have a team of financial advisers hired to make sure the money would not be wasted or just blown away.

One of the very first things I would do after leaving the Dalton Lottery office would be to head North about another 40 miles to Cleveland, TN. My family lives up there both from my mom and dad’s side. I would stop in and see my grandmother, and tell her of the good news. I would then want to meet with my grandmother, my aunt Connie and her husband we call Pee Wee, who is the Pastor of my grand parents church.

It was always my grandfather’s dream to 1) have a church 2) Be the Pastor of the church, 3) End his journey in the church. About a year ago he did just that. He wasn’t feeling well but decided to go on to church. During the service he was up preaching and fell out due to a heart attack. My grandfather ended his journey at “Bound for that City Church”. This was a very sad time for some, but for me it was very healing because his dreams, wishes all had came true for him and his church.

If I hit the lottery tonight I would donate a million dollars to my grandmother so she could continue my grandfather’s dream of running that church. I would pay to have the church remodeled just my grandmother would want. I would want my grandmother to remodel the church to be able to house more people, then expand the services it offers. I know now they are wanting to start an outreach program. I would buy my grandmother a huge box truck so she accept donations and be able to have a crew that could run a donation center. I would want the church to have a dinning/kitchen area so people could be able to enjoy their meals soon after the received them. I would hire a crew that could run the kitchen and train them to run a delivery program to help seniors/disabled so things could be easier for them. LI would like to have a huge area built so the church could distribute clothes and food to those who needed these items. I would also set up a fund so that the church could help people pay their heating bills, rent, buy groceries, and clothes. My family already has a clear vision on how they would like to run things. I would donate enough money to fulfill their dreams and visions. I would really like to see my Grandfather’s dream continue.

My next move would be to fulfill one of my own dreams. I would immediately want to take a trip to Alaska and find lots of acreage to build my dream house and farm on. Material things are not important to me so I wouldn’t need a lot of fancy cars, houses, toys, etc…. I would just like to have a nice house, farm, animals, equipment all the things I would need to survive the Alaskan Bush.  I would also like to have some acreage so I could prospect for gold, in my spare time. Once I had everything built I would move up there and be a hermit in the frozen ice.

depression image1

Before April 2006, if someone told me they were depressed I would have laughed at them and thought they were making an excuse for not feeling well. Oh was I wrong to make that assumption!  I  never really understood the definition of  the word depression.   It wasn’t until I went on a downward spiral and experienced depression for myself  that I truly understood the meaning.  Now the question is how in the world do I rise above and conquer such a sick disease?

We struggle all our lives trying to better ourselves from the time we graduate High School, get a job, and start out on our journey in life. I can’t complain about what stage I was in my life’s journey when my tragedy occurred. I had a good job making almost 18 dollars an hour, working from a computer overseeing 75 employees, running a  multi-operational distribution warehouse for Mohawk Industries. I was the one that made everything run or not, not bragging but if I failed to do my job the whole operation would come to a complete stop, costing lots of money for people standing around doing nothing. So it was very important that I stayed focus on my job.  I walked into a mess daily following behind the 1st shift planner so my day started off in a heck of a mess anyways from the very beginning of the shift. I learned that my job was impossible, but I had to balance everything around to get the customers orders processed, cut, then loaded on a truck and shipped to them within the time promised. Not everyone got their order on time but once I learned the job things got so much better. It took me nearly 5 years to get into the position I had worked my behind off so hard for, then another 3 years to master the job. The next 3 years was like a mental challenge on a daily basis.

At age 17,  I met and had fallen in love with the girl of my dreams. Shockingly she gave me a chance. But what was going to happen next soon shattered the dream, and it quickly turned into a nightmare. Two weeks after our relationship got serious, she became pregnant. I became basically a servant worshiping his master. Seemed like everything I done for her was a mistake, apparently I couldn’t make her happy. One day after I left her house she calls me once I arrived at home.  She tells me she’s not happy and doesn’t want to see me anymore. Now I’m left having a child I’ll hardly get to see. She promises to call me when the child is born but doesn’t.  In fact I don’t hear from her until the child is almost a year old. Of course all of these things along with how quick she became pregnant really had me wondering if I was the father of this child. During the time she hadn’t contact me I had seen a lawyer to see if I could have a paternity test brought against her to see if that was my child. He advised me that it would be extremely expensive and he wouldn’t do it. He said that if she truly thought I was the father I would be contacted very shortly for child support. I left the office not agreeing wishing there was a way I could bring her to have a paternity test so I could know for sure, and have my visitation rights if the child was in fact mine. So once she finally contacted me I request a test, because I didn’t want to spend 18 years supporting a child that wasn’t mine, that wouldn’t have anything to do with me.  Test results came in and I for sure was the father, and of course I started supporting my child. I asked in the child support office for visitation rights but they quickly told me they didn’t handle visitation rights. The lady at the office was kind enough to allow me to speak with my ex. On the phone the ex had agreed to allow me to visit, but this was only an agreement between her and I.  Turns out the first year my daughter basically lived with me because the ex was living the dating, single lifestyle. Eventually she settled down with someone and then she got her daughter back. By now I was fully attached to my daughter and losing her or the ability to see her was like putting a dagger through my heart and it sure seemed like she knew this cause it was exactly what she done. I was devastated with pain for 11 years but still managed to pick up the phone and call to see if I could get my daughter every other weekend but as always she was always to busy to come visit. After 11 years I finally quit calling and begging to see my daughter but I made it clear when she was ready to visit all she had to do was let me know and I would come get her. I felt I had to distant myself because the pain of her disowning me was driving me insane! Six years later she only had come to visit one time. I had planned a lot of things for us to do that evening. She visited for about an hour then acted like she was sick and had her mom pick her up. I later found out she wanted to go spend the night with her boyfriend, WTF???

I had a roller coaster marriage for 12 years but I didn’t find out things were such a wreck until 8  years had flown by. The woman I married had a severe attention deficit disorder, and apparently if someone said hi to her, she would cheat. Like I said she kept this a dark secret for 8 years. How did I not know??? By this time I had two kids, both girls, born a year and 7 days apart,  Alexia and Kimbelri. One day out of the blue  I get introduced to my wife’s lover, turns out she’s a woman disguised as a man,  lol.


I immediately was totally shocked, thinking it was a joke, however there was no joke, it was as real as it could get. She was serious, she wanted to leave me, take my daughter and move in with her new-found lover. I couldn’t allow my daughter to leave knowing that she was going to such an unhealthy environment. I of course beg and pleaded with my wife trying to assure her that she was only taken advantage of while being a little depressed. Um…. So I think I maybe am starting to understand the true meaning of depression? Her desire was clear, pack up and head out. I finally made it clear she could leave but I couldn’t allow her to take my daughter into such an unhealthy environment. So she put on a performance of a lifetime and acted as i she had to choose between two lovers, one with a child or to choose a lover and abandon her child. She asked to use the phone and called telling her new-found love that she couldn’t leave her child that she had to end their relationship. Needless to say apparently they had planned all of this and used code words to postpone her departure. After the phone call was made I told her I would have her cell phone number changed so the person couldn’t continue to contact her to cause problems. At the time, I wasn’t aware that I was only wasting hard-earned money to try to protect her from this person. After I proceeded to get the number changed we stayed up all night discussing our problems, relationship, and our future. We prayed together, held each other, and seemed like we were working to battle a monster thrown our way. It wasn’t until 3 days later I learned I had been played for a fool when I came home to find an empty house, all my daughter’s clothes packed up, wife’s clothes gone and the brand new mustang missing that was just purchased off the show room floor within 3 weeks prior to this occurring. At first I was scared to death thinking something bad happened to them because as far as I knew things were going ok. I tore the house apart looking for any clues to help me fight out where they were. I  felt as if I had let my daughter down by not protecting her from all this. Where was she, and the better question was  how would I get my daughter back? Of course all of this was later thought of after I finally realized she was just ignoring my frantic desperate pleas to make sure they were safe. It would take me hiring a lawyer, filing for a divorce, and 9 months of torture before I would finally be awarded a divorce and custody of my daughter, before she would return my daughter home to me. One day while she was visiting our daughter at a park, a year later she asked me to forgive her and admitted she had made a huge mistake  hurting the both of us. She then asked me to give her another chance.


I wanted nothing more to reunite as a family but could she be trusted? Honestly I was glad that this was finally looking like it might just work out?  She came home, and probably a year later we were thrilled to be having another child. Things went good the entire pregnancy until she was 33 weeks. We went in and seen the doctor on a Friday. She calls me later on that night while I was at work, working 2nd shift,  in extreme pain so I left work to take her to the hospital. We arrive to an unpleasant surprise that we were not prepared for at all. They hooked her up to the baby monitor, and monitored the baby’s heart beat, to be able to monitor the baby, and unfortunately our baby didn’t have a heart beat, or they couldn’t detect it. Oh it was only a mid wife I tell my wife, then try to calm her down. I tell her, they are paging the doctor and things will be fine once he gets here and relieves us of this stress, but he arrives only to announce that he can’t find a heart beat either. Apparently the baby’s oxygen was cut off by wrapping the umbilical cord around its neck. This was a huge surprise to us, and we were both devastated! She ended up having to have a full delivery and our daughter was delivered as a still-born. She was so beautiful though, and it really touched my heart because Natalie Nicole looked exactly like me!!!


Instead of celebrating a birth we were planning a funeral. Things were really challenging from this point on especially for the wife because she lost it. She constantly said I didn’t understand the way she was feeling, and she would with draw away from me. I wasn’t doing all that good either but I hid my pain and tried to remain strong for her, but honestly I was extremely in denial, and heart-broken. Eventually things got better and we tried again to have another child because I wanted a boy so bad! This would finally take place December 1, 2003 and I would finally get to name a child after myself. My life would take a change in direction on April 4, 2006 that would forever affect my physical being. Of course things seemed out-of-place so when you have that gut feeling you should always trust it, and rely on it, because in my case had I listened I may have not gotten hurt?

It was a very windy day, the wife insisted she had to go to softball practice, and wouldn’t go alone, nor would she skip the practice. I had gotten home from work around 4:30 pm on this day. She had just started working through a temp service working on a line that assembled atv’s. Not really sure what job she was doing, but she was working so I didn’t complain. She was never one to hold a job long at all, yet she could get a job when no one else could find one. So she continued on to aggravate me until she finally convinced me to ride with her. I knew that if I went I had to find something to do because at that time Joey was only 3 years old and he couldn’t be outside while it was windy and very chilly. So the plan was to take her to her practice then the kids and I would ride across town to go to the parts store so I could try to find a hard to find part for my truck I was working on. The time had come for us to load up and we chose to take our van that we had just purchased 3 weeks earlier. It wasn’t brand new but when we purchased it the van only had 38,000 miles on it. Its condition was marvelous, and definitely roomy enough for our family. She was in a rush to load things up and put Joey in the incorrect child seat. She had put Joey in a booster seat, that an older kid was supposed to use, instead of putting him in his infant seat he needed to be in. I realized this once I pulled in the parking lot to drop her off for her practice. It must have been a signal from God, because had Joey stayed in the location she placed him in and in the seat she put him in, he would haven’t have survived what was to come. As I moved Joey into the correct seat I placed him directly behind the driver’s seat instead of the far back row of the van where she first place him. We said our good byes then the kids and I were off on our way across town to find this hard to find part I desperately needed to get my truck running correctly. I pulled out of the parking lot and started traveling down the road. About 2 miles down the road an SUV was stopped with it’s blinker on waiting to make a left hand turn. The driver was turning the same direction I had planned to take so we both were stopped with our blinkers on waiting for on coming traffic to pass. Suddenly I looked up in the rear view mirror only to be frightened by what I seen was fixing to transpire. This car was flying around a curve coming straight at me going approximately 60 + plus miles an hour. I realized the driver either didn’t see me or wasn’t paying attention and it was very apparent I was fixing to be rammed with tremendous force!!! I braced for the impact and BOOM he hit us causing me to hit the SUV in front of me. Immediately after the impact I checked to see if my kids were injured. Kimberli had been hit with the rear view mirror, and was bleeding, but she was ok because it wasn’t a very serious injury. Everyone was definitely shook up and was a nervous wreck because this was a very serious accident. Once I realized my kids were ok, I called 911 to report the accident then had to crawl through the passenger’s side door because mine wouldn’t open. The van was totaled there wasn’t a doubt when i noticed neither of the sliding doors would open so. I had to crawl back through the middle to get Joey out of his car seat. Once I got everyone outside I checked to see if the passengers of the  SUV were ok, but they also were injured. The guy that ended up causing the wreck immediately took off running and was caught by witnesses to the accident. They held him until the police arrived, then he was arrested and charged with driving without a license, leaving the scene of an accident.

By now I had realized my neck and back was hurting very bad. The police offered to transport me to the hospital by ambulance but I told them I would go to the hospital as soon as my dad came to pick me up. I had to get my dad to pick up my wife from the softball practice. I knew I needed help with the kids and she needed to be picked up or she wouldn’t have had a ride home. So once dad arrives we head back to the softball field to go get the wife so we can then head to the hospital to have me looked at because I was in severe pain!!  She was absolutely furious for having to leave the practice. She was cussing me like I was a dog but I knew I was injured and had to be seen at the hospital because I wasn’t sure how bad things really were.

A year later I was sure there was some serious injuries caused by the wreck because I would lose my job that I had held for 12 years due to not being able to return to work without light duty restrictions. I was out on medical leave for a year and they ended up terminating me. In a year I hadn’t found any relieve from my injuries as they were only getting worse. Mri reports showed I fractured my neck at C6-C7, my back had 5 bulging disc,  and a spinal cord injury at T10, T11-T12. Apparently a disc was compressed against my spinal cord at this area. The pain I deal with on a constant basis is so severe it feels like I am carrying around a bowling ball on my shoulders which is really only my head. I have migraines on a daily basis which I’m pretty sure stems from my neck pain. My back constantly feels like there is a sword stuck in it and it feels like the sword is very sharp which rips down my mid back to the bottom which I have to sit on a lot these days. I have pain that shoots down both legs that is almost impossible to describe. I constantly feel like I’m being shocked but I’m pretty sure its only my spinal cord sending out signals that I’m in pain. Without some sort of pain medicine on a daily basis I can’t begin to get off the couch to start the morning off. I don’t sleep in the bed because  laying on my back really puts me in severe pain, so therefore I sleep in a recliner or sitting up on the couch. There are days even with the medicine I can’t get off the couch or the recliner.

My activities are far different from before the accident, because now just going to the kitchen just to cook for the kids I’m raising as a single father puts me in a great deal of pain just from standing so long. It’s very depressing to have my kids beg me to do activities with them that I can no longer do for the constant pain I battle on a daily basis. I struggle daily because I have to keep the house clean for my kids.  I have to do some work then sit down because again standing increases my pain level. My mental and physical state has forever been altered, and its been very rough trying to adjust to what I can and can’t do, then dealing with the depression of being limited physically. I’ve had a stroke due to the stress and high blood pressure caused by the intense pain. That only provoked memory loss for me now causing me to have a hard time remembering simple things. Recently learned I have carpal tunnel in both wrists, but I knew something was wrong when my hands started going numb almost like they were asleep while I would be doing the dishes.

I now have anti-social disorders, and can’t stand being around people for the fear of feeling I’m the joke they are laughing and smiling at. I feel as everyone looks down on me, I guess from being hurt so much by the people I thought loved me. I used to be confident in myself and had a very nice self-esteem. Now I don’t have much of any of it left. It’s truly amazing how your family can turn their heads on a loved one in need.  Things my family have said about me, done to me and the way they have treated me has scarred me making me feel completely worthless at times. My father was fussing at me one day because I was struggling to pay the light bill, because I have no income and ends up telling me “I need to get up off my sorry ass and get a job, instead of sitting around here doing nothing”. I have tried since the accident working many different jobs to make money but all have costed me more pain, then I ended up hurting myself more doing a vending job. Even still I tried to get a job delivering pizzas but found myself crying, driving down the road  considering driving my car off the side of the road to end the pain I was in, that was increased by doing the dishes, folding boxes and sweeping, all duties I had to perform, that physically hurt me. Getting in and out of the car 87 times a night was severely hurting my back so much that I was actually keeping count of the number of times I got in and out of the car.  I thought family was supposed to be supportive? But the woman I thought was my wife, who said she would be there through thick and thin, til death do us part, was no where to be found. She started cheating the very next week after the accident. She had learned that if she took the kids the government and everyone else would feel sorry for her and get her anything she needed, but there was a catch to it. She had to get me out of the picture to get the kids. She manages to do this the day I learned of her cheating after the accident. She puts on a performance of a lifetime one day and has the cops called accusing me of hitting her, then dragging her across the yard, then choking her. She had Joey on her hips during her performance and of course he gets scared and hangs on to her neck tighter. I end up in jail for simply battery and the next morning she puts a restraining order on her because she tells the judge she is feared for her life??   That’s all it took and she herself an apartment, food stamps  people giving her furniture, dishes, beds, she got the works. We go to court and the restraining order gets dismissed because there was no evidence of anything ever happening. Her words which were lies, versus the truth. I would eventually get my kids once the divorce was final. I thought my family would help me out, but I learned otherwise. I never understood why my family would question the pain I’m in. If my kids come to me and tells  they have hurt themselves I will perform a visual exam to see what I can see is wrong with them. I don’t doubt whether they are not hurt?

So lets not confuse this post and think that I’m constantly feeling sorry for myself, trying not to do anything for myself because that is far from the truth. Although I’ve been hurt by so many people I realize I must go on because I understand that  feeling sorry for myself, and not keeping my body in motion will cause me so much more pain, and limit me far beyond what I could ever imagine. I constantly go to doctors and let them do nerve burns on my back so they can burn the nerves that cause so much pain, and I can’t begin to describe the pain this procedure causes. I realize that although others have hurt me it’s very important to forgive them and let go of the pain they have caused. I struggle  with depression daily that is caused by many things such as, allowing forgiveness, being without money, not being able to do things physically, not being dependable, low self-esteem, anti-social fear of being around others , lack of trust for anyone, and many other things I haven’t mentioned.

I get up early in the mornings either to go pick up my brother from work, or getting the kids up for school. Either way  I wake up and say a prayer asking for a peaceful day, I also pray that today I will feel less pain, hopefully none, I ask for God to guide me in the correct direction, and that he helps me financially, I ask for him to teach me to be a better Father/mother role model, then I ask God to forgive me of my sins.

I know that this disease can be detained, because I realize that its a problem I’m experiencing and I’ve noticed some days are better than others. So if change is visible I know it can be detained and overcome. My plan is to start taking things one day at a time, continue to say my prayer when I wake, and battle these problems as they appear. I also know that;

Philippians 4:13

King James Version (KJV)

 “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”